It’s been 3 years that I’ve been without a horse. I had my previous pony for 15 years. It’s killed me. It’s been the hardest 3 years of my life, and that’s saying something, considering I had suicidal thoughts at 14.
I struggled with my identity a LOT. I didn’t feel that I was worthy enough to call myself a “horsewoman” anymore. I tried riding my trainer’s horses, my friends’ horses and it wasn’t the same. Not until I rode my friend’s Gypsy Vanner over a year ago. It was like sitting on my stocky little mare again. It felt familiar, and the gelding was energetic and ready to go, but gentle…just like my girl.
I’ve only ridden a handful of times since then, and I shut the “horse” part of myself down. My husband and I got married last year, and we agreed on our goals as soon as we got together: get a house with a property, get a barn up with fencing. He knew what he was marrying into, and knew that this is what I needed.
We have the house, we have the property, we have the barn. He’s currently building my stalls. My tack room is a bit dingy but still beautiful (any tips on keep spider away?). We have our fencing scheduled to go up at the end of October, and I purchased a Gypsy Vanner colt in eutero from my friend. He was born last May, and he’s beautiful. I’m a horse mom again, but I am still just…wanting to tear my skin off, bit by bit. I want to ride. I want to have morning chores. I want to have something to LIVE for again, to look forward to. I want to have purpose again, and I want to sit in my saddle.
We have to take out a loan for our fence, so my husband and I agreed that we would take out extra for a riding horse for me, which will also act as a buddy for our foal. I just have to keep waiting, keep being patient. I go through waves of being so utterly excited to just…bitter. Backstory: after I lost my heartpony, I sunk into the deepest depression I have ever been in, in my entire life. For two years. I felt nothing. I hardly remember anything from those two years except what relates to my wedding. I was a zombie. My friends got me so, so drunk during my bachelorette party and by the time I got home, I had a 3 hour meltdown where I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. My husband thought he was going to have to take me to the ER. After that, I got help and went on antidepressants and a therapist. Right now, I’m doubled up on my meds and I’m actually really feeling things for the first time in those 3 years. And all I want to do is ride. It hurts so much, right in my chest, to not have those daily barn visits, to not have a muzzle to kiss, to not have my pony to jump on bareback in a skirt from work and just ride around.
I know its only months away. I know that. But my soul hurts and I just want to tear at my skin and peel it back to expose how much hurts just sits there, every single day that I go without a horse. Because I honestly don’t think anyone really understands. I was meant to be in the saddle, as many days that my life will allow, and then some more. Going without that is pure torture.