3 years

The death anniversary of my heartpony is just around the corner. It’s been 3 years, and I still can’t believe she’s gone. I still can’t believe that this is my life…without her. I grieved for 2 years, and with the help of therapy and medication it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Today I am wearing the necklace with her ashes in it. I’m not sad anymore. I was just so lost without her. I’m slowly finding my way back to “me”.

When my husband and I got together and we knew that this was it: we weren’t going anywhere; my husband promised me that I would have a horse again. I would have my own barn so I didn’t have to have the stress of boarding. We actually got together because of Angel. It was another thing she gave me in death, and I couldn’t thank her more. My husband was actually a good friend in a medieval club I am in, and he started coming over to my house to make sure I was eating (he’s an AMAZING cook!) after Angel passed. And from there…well, we got married, we bought a house with 3 acres and a huge 3 story barn. Another friend in my medieval club owns Gypsy Vanners and I bought a foal from her, Voodoo. He will be my next Angel, and I am finally feeling like “me” again – a horse person.

Voodoo was born in May and I really wanted another jumper. He jumps everything! And he’s got great scope for a little 4 month-old! And he’s so fuzzy and smart and willing. We’ll be bringing him home in December, after he’s snipped. And we are already hunting for my next riding horse.

We just got electric turned on in our barn, and we just got 50 bales of hay. It’s so amazing, and I can’t express how alive I am feeling. For 2 1/2 years I was so numb, and honestly, as bad as it sounds, I don’t remember much from the past couple of years. Depression does that to you. Once we get the fence up and everything (next month!), I am going to spread the remainder of Angel’s ashes. And hopefully by November, I’ll have my riding horse home. Fingers crossed. I want something that’s under 15 hands, because I haven’t ridden consistently and feel like I need to start smaller. Get my confidence back.

But everything is in motion. Everything is moving forward. Everything is finally happening. I’m a horse woman again, with a beautiful Gypsy Vanner foal. I have my own barn, something I’ve wanted since I was a little girl. So, here’s to a bright future, healing, and moving forward as “me” again: a horse woman, an equestrian.